Don’t Pass Me By

I listen for your footsteps coming up the drive Listen for your footsteps, but they don’t arrive Waiting for your knock, dear, on my old front door I don’t hear it, does it mean you don’t love me anymore?

So. On Monday I’m having tympanoplasty on both of my ear holes. It’s a 2–3 hour surgery. Two. To. Three. Hours. PER FUCKIN’ EAR. HOLE. DO NOT GOOGLE adult tympanoplasty. It would be more pleasant to just grab a rusty garden tool and start stabbing yourself in the eyes. Trust me.

“Tympanoplasty surgery is performed under general anesthesia. Your doctor will enter the inner ear via the ear canal or through an incision behind the ear . . . your eardrum will be reconstructed from cartilage taken from your body. Although this is not an invasive procedure, the recovery process is 2–3 months.” Here’s the best part! “Do not get water in your ear for 1 to 3 months, or until your doctor says it is okay. You can take baths, but do not shower or get water near your ear until the packing is removed.” On Monday I’ll be trying to get baaAck to where I once belonged. I won’t be able to hear . . . or take a shower . . . for . . . a-while . . . Please think of me and send me lots of funny visual messages and IRL crates of Häagen-Dazs. And, like, pray. For me.

Priez pour moi s’il vous plait. I would just love to hear some footsteps coming up the drive on winter solstice. Also, winter solstice is also my SOMETHINGth birthday.

In 2–3 months, when I can hear again, I am going to sit on my floor and listen to the White Album. All of it. On vinyl. I’m going to sing love songs to my eardrums. I’m sorry that I doubted you, I was so unfair You were in a car crash, and you lost your hair You said that you would be late about an hour or two I said that’s all right, I’m waiting here, just waiting to hear from you I am also going to be careful to never be hospitalized again with sepsis because that’s the fucker that fucked me in the ears so hard I got new holes. That was in January, so about 9 months ago. That’s another story — are not they all? I was in a hospital, and I lost my hair . . . Today wasn’t all ear holes. I also made a giant tub of delicious hummus.

Yum. Yum.

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